The true origins of the Slice are long lost in the mists of antiquity hence I am only able to offer postulates. I have discarded the most popular theory, that it is a divine practical joke, as being a little unlikely. It should be noted that the doughnut is a better candidate for this theory. My research indicates that the Chinese, in about 2000BC, are the most likely culprits. ( As a matter of interest I think some of the Slices purchased during my investigation were the original articles)

Precisely why they should invent something like the Slice is unknown but is believed to fit into the 'Seemed like a good idea at the time' category. In addition it is believed that the Chinese Slice was a good deal larger and its invention had a few sinister under tones. Fleeting references have been discovered but no hard facts are available.

From China the Slice spread through Tibet, India and eventually to the Middle East. It is thought to have been the root cause of at least three Arabian wars and countless skirmishes. Existing evidence indicates that the Egyptian army suffered a crushing defeat in a skirmish by the Red sea. An outnumbered nomadic tribe apparently using the Slice in a new and devastating manner.

Over the years the Slice progressed slowly through the Middle East, Turkey, Greece and eventually to Italy when the Romans were at the height of their power. The Slice was treated by the Romans with great acclaim. Apparently they were all the rage at orgies and led to the mistaken belief that the Slice was a Roman invention. Incidentally the Slice suffered a tragic omission from the history books when Shakespeare misquoted Mark Anthony. His famous speech "I come not to praise Caesar but to bury him" is not quoted in full. Missing from the history books is the following line, "and stock up on Slicus Vanillus!" Apparently the supply lines to Europe were rather poor, all stocks having been used in defeating an enemy cavalry charge.

Eventually Mark Anthony teamed up with Julius Spencus to form a thriving export business which was responsible for introducing the Slice to the British Isles. From that time onwards the Slices seems to have slid into a decline until the middle ages when it experienced a short surge in popularity. What would have happened at Waterloo and Trafalgar without the Slice? Actually nothing much would have happened as its use as an anti-cavalry weapon had been banned by the 1742 Genoa convention and muzzle loading was considered a very messy business. Really, from the 17th Century to the present day it has lapsed into obscurity and its infamous past is known only to a few historical scholars.

Occasionally one reads in the Daily papers of the odd incident but the battle front is now mainly confined to the social scene. Having now outlined the history of the Slice I will deal with its impact on the present day social scene in some detail. To this end I have considered a number of social scenarios and made appropriate observations. To assist the novice I have included an appendix which includes the various Slice types that may be found, along with regional variations.

This is the general case where anything goes. Two methods may be used namely the 'STRIP' and the 'BAG'.

The 'STRIP' requires the participant to strip naked and if possible shave off all external hair. The room should be closed, unfurnished and preferably locked. The Slice is gripped firmly between the finger tips of both hands and a frontal attack made. Hands (and feet) can then be freely used to control the Slice.

Disadvantages: Mainly confined to sticky footprints leading to the bathroom. Those addicted to this method can easily be identified by either a pasty yellow appearance and/or a permanent odor of bath salts. Severe addiction results in chronic athletes foot.

The 'BAG' method can be used in any furnished room. A large plastic bag, with integral oxygen supply, is required. The Slice is placed at the bottom of the bag and the head inserted. The best approach is made with a direct lunge at the Slice. It must be said that in such close quarters the Slice can offer little resistance.

Disadvantages: Temporary loss of vision and hearing. ( Untreated it could become permanent.) Confirmed addicts of this method are usually bald, hard of hearing and have a squint. Not recommended for Afro hairstyles or claustrophobics.

If you are good friends a four handed version of the 'STRIP' method can be used but be certain you are good friends. The 'BAG' method is not recommended as the resultant clash of heads produces unpleasant side effects. If you don't know the person well enough to use the 'STRIP' method try plastic Macs and Wellingtons. If you don't know the person well enough for Mac and Wellies I shouldn't bother, try a doughnut instead. ( Reference; Thesis titled: Two dimensional, oil cooked, dough encased holes, Case study number 2.)

Disadvantages: Similar side effects to those in Case 1. In addition persistent addiction can result in a circle of friends numbering zero. There have also been a number of cases where participants have required hospital attention due to becoming welded together in the heat of the moment, so to speak.

This can be the safest of all social groups but a few basic rules must still be obeyed. A clearance zone on a 180 degree frontage for at least 1.3 meters must be observed, unless its an orgy then refer to Case 2. 'STRIP' method. If you can't manage the required clearance then its back to Mac and Wellies. Female participants should refrain from plunging necklines as there is a danger of degeneration into a mixed Case 2. STRIP or, to be blunt, orgy. If full conformity can not be guaranteed put the kids to bed early. despite the apparent relaxed atmosphere this case can generated beware! Several well known divorce cases have resulted from such gatherings with a Vanilla slice cited as correspondent!

Similar to case 2 but mainly when the affair has degenerated into a case 2 'STRIP'.

Of all the cases I have studied this has been by far the most interesting. It is also a very dangerous case as only a small slip up is required to commit social suicide. In some cases it has actually turned out to be social homicide! To assist the unwary I intend to devote a section on how you can survive a formal encounter with a Slice.

The person who put the Slice on the menu should be tracked down and painlessly destroyed. If this is not possible and you still wish to retain your good social standing, DO NOT BE TEMPTED; refrain from the challenge. Be certain to approach the fore coming meal absolutely cold stone sober. Assuming you are either drunk or have been press-ganged adopt the following where possible.

1. If you are drunk forget it, you've had it! Your picture will feature in the daily press the following day. Best apply for an exit visa first thing in the morning.

2. So you are sober and have just been passed a large, fresh, sticky, oozing Vanilla slice. What do you do? First don't panic as you have a number of options.

It is obvious that the Slice is not to be trifled with and should be treated with the respect it deserves at all times. Despite the fact that its early history and use can now only be vague guessed the Slice has the potential to become once more, an object of awe. Recent attempts to produce micro electronic Slices have met with considerable success.(Refer: New Scientist:Silicon Micro Slice revolution). With such advances being made the Slice should still be a force to be reckoned with well into the next century.

Perhaps I might be allowed to coin a slogan for the future; 'MAY THE SLICE BE WITH YOU!'

Clockwise twisting top with symmetrical filling spread.

Anticlockwise version of 1B.

Linear downwards movement with symmetrical filling spread.

Using the above main categories the following variants have

been identified.

Clockwise twisting top with asymmetrical filling movement into right sleeve. This action can take place very slowly without you noticing or occur with great violence.

Regional distribution: The Midlands. Frequently called the Birmingham twist or the Coventry climax.

Anticlockwise variant of 2A into the left sleeve.

Regional distribution: The North Midlands and North West England.

Local name, the Swinton surprise.

This is a variant of Type 1C but is the most unpredictable as the filling can exit right or left with little warning. Probably the most dangerous type you can encounter.

Regional distribution: The West country. Local names, the Bristol surprise and the Plymouth plop.

Asymmetrical filling ejection to front. Again this can vary from a slowly moving surge to a violent ejection. Not surprisingly this type offers little danger to the user.

Regional distribution: Southern/Mid Scotland and North East England also Surrey.

Local names, Durham dunk, Edinburgh express, the Lothian lunge and the Reigate revenge.

Similar to type 3B but with a backwards action. Rates only second to a type 2C.

Regional distribution: London and Home counties.

Local names, Own goal, Bayswater bastard or a recent addition Yuppies Surprise.